Becoming

*I'm warning you, these thoughts are severely scattered and unorganized. I have had lots of confusing and deep thoughts rolling around in my head for a while, and have been finding it near impossible to express them in a way that makes sense. But i'm trying anyway, because if I don't I might explode. I'd rather not explode. Not today anyway.*

"If you are not in the process of making yourself the person you want to become, then you are becoming the person you don't want to become."

Tomorrow is going to be the first day of the rest of my life. Tomorrow is going to be a big day. Its going to be a day of recommitment, rededication, realignment, and resolution. Over the last few weeks and months I have not been very good at working on becoming the person I want to become. Which I recently learned in Stake Conference means that I am steadily becoming the person I DON'T want to become. When I am not progressing, I am working towards making myself into an unhappy, unsatisfied, unhealthy human being. What an unsettling thought. Thus, its time for change. Change needs to take place in my life. Some big changes, some very little ones. These changes pertain to things that are spiritual, physical, social, mental, and emotional.

I am an extremely goal-oriented person. I figure out what I want, and then I go get it. Now here is a problem. It seems that I am also an all or nothing kind of person. I can be 100% committed, driving forward completely unstoppable, perfection is my only option. But guess what, perfection is impossible. So there are hiccups along the way. I run into one of those hiccups and all of a sudden boom, i've lost it. I come crashing down, deflated and defeated. I feel like a worthless failure. I give up and then just keep on pounding down a path of destruction because heck i'm already there, why not let it continue? And then after i've done plenty of damage to myself and often to others, I snap out of it and believe that I must immediately achieve the level of perfection once again. Its a completely destructive cycle that doesn't ever allow me to win.

I don't want my desire and goal to change to follow this sad pattern. I don't want to set unreasonably high standards for myself only to get discouraged and give up all hope of success. The changes that I want to make are not superficial. They are important. They are special. They are the things that will help me to become the person that I want and need to become.

Thankfully, I do not have to make these changes alone. There is someone who has felt every little thing that I have ever felt. He has experienced every feeling of loneliness, inadequacy, pain, fear, and despair. Jesus Christ's atonement covers every single bit of sin and sorrow that there ever was or ever will be. He suffered for this world. He suffered for us. He suffered for me. Because of his sacrifice, I am not alone. I have a Savior who knows me by name. He knows what I go through. He knows what I need and how to help me. He loves me and will never leave me. He will help me on my road to becoming. Because of Christ's sacrifice and resurrection, I know that I will achieve my ultimate goals someday. By doing all that I can to become the person that I need to become, by following his example and striving to be like Him, I will someday reach that level of perfection that I wish I could achieve now, and there won't be any more crashing and burning. Dwelling with my Heavenly Father and the Savior in the Celestial Kingdom is going to be the greatest blessing ever imaginable. I can't wait.

In this life, there will always be hiccups along the way to becoming. I know that. And I know that with help, I don't always have to crash and burn and fail. If I stay close to Christ, he will buoy me up and make me stronger. He will help me get past those hiccups and continue on with an upward progression. He has and will continue to put special people in my life who love me and will help me get to where I want to go.

I have so much to work on. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life, and its time to get to work. I will start my progression towards becoming the person that I want to become. What a journey it will be. I'm excited.